ColliesHorsesArtLove

August 2nd ~ A Day I'll Never Forget

Happy Birthday Seabiscuit ~ My big baby boy.

I love you!!!

And, always in my mind the day SeaB was born was the day Pierre didn't come home for hours looking for a missing deputy at his station. The tragedy and pain of that day and the week to follow is still as clear as yesterday.

Even though I never met you, I know you thru your beautiful wife Chris. She misses you so much. I met your son Matthew for the first time when he was about 5 years old wearing his Spiderman outfit. I got so choked up seeing him and knowing he is growing up without his father. What a darling boy. Life sucks sometimes but to have you go in the manner you did will make your son proud when he really understands the magnitude of your service. You live in the hearts of so many. God Bless you Stephen.

Deputy Stephen D. Sorensen

L.A.S.D. ~ Lancaster 114B

"In The Line of Duty"

E.O.W. 08/02/03

California Peace Officers' Memorial Ceremony

I went to the Capitol this morning for the 33rd Annual Peace Officers' Memorial. My first time was 2 years ago when the state honored Pierre. Pierre's Captain, Carl Deeley, who is now a Commander and his lovely wife Judy met me so we could sit together during the ceremony.

It was so much easier to go as more of an outsider, rather than the widow of an honored/downed officer. I could reflect on the event from farther away and realize that time does heal that excruciating pain. It was that pain that when I was in it felt truly like it was never going to leave my soul. The kind of pain that makes you want to be dead also. And, now 3 years later, I'm sitting there thinking about how I still miss Pierre more than anything but also about how I'm going to get my mare bred this next week. That is a comforting place to be. His absence doesn't consume me to that horrible point of wishing my death also. I can think about the mare in the same thought as missing him.

I enjoyed seeing Carl and Judy very much and did remember how he was my escorting officer during the ceremony in '07 and that he was very good with handing over and taking care of my mountains of kleenex. He is such a fine man and when I think of how much he is loved in the world, the deputies he watched over told me so many amazing stories about him. I am very fortunate that Pierre went out working at Lancaster Station with Carl in charge. He is a class act. 

I love seeing all the motorcycles lined up. Reminds me so much of Pierre. Whenever I see one on the road, I ALWAYS say a prayer to bless and protect them. 2 or 3 in a row gets me more. I remember how much fun he had working and the kinds of jokes his partners and him would play on each other. Crazy stuff that still makes me laugh. Like writing "We Love Gang Members" on the hood of some unsuspecting deputy's squad car so when a suspect got flung on the hood they'd face down to that. Or writing "Brokeback Mountain Cop" on the back of Pierre's bike mirror where he didn't see it as he rode around Lancaster looking tough. (He REALLY didn't want to see that movie!!)

I wish I could have had some of the stories on tape because they were insanely hilarious. I couldn't wait for him to get home and tell me about his adventures. And his job was always an adventure. Those stories were the highlight of my day.

There were 19 officers honored this year. 10 from 2008 and 9 from past years. It was interesting to speculate on the 9 from past years as many of them were from so far back in time. Sometimes only an officer of that station would come up to put a flower on the folded up flag. Then, later years, I'd wonder if maybe this was a brother, or grandchildren, or maybe even a widow who was so much older than when she lost him.

The current year, I was familiar with several of the officers from the news reports. Dep. Canfield, I posted about going to his funeral and had the honor of finally meeting his widow. We have so much in common, not only in our husbands deaths but she trains arabians. I love our small world. I want to be there for her if she needs some perspective. I had that help from Teri March and Chris Sorensen and no one else could reflect on my pain better than they could. They are incredible women.

For the most part today, I again was in that place a little farther away emotionally. Wondering what kind of shoes the horseless rider's horse was wearing, or where the doves got let out after every officers name and where they flew to. I remember the doves from '07. There goes a symbol of Pierre. It's quite beautiful.

It was very solemn to see these families go up to place their roses on the flag, but it was the last widow of Officer Joseph P. Sanders that made me sob hard. She stood up with her escorting officer, she was so young and looked about 8 months pregnant. She was sobbing and so shell-shocked still. It hasn't been that long for her, as he was killed right before Christmas. I understand they also had 4 other children. The image of this wife and mother at the beginning of her young life to have it ripped apart right from her in a second. It is so heartbreaking.

To these courageous officers and their families ~ God Bless. 

IN REMEMBRANCE

Officer Randal D. Simmons

Los Angeles Police Dept.

EOW: February 7, 2008

Officer Aaron Garcia

Union Pacific Police Dept.

EOW: May 7, 2008

Deputy James E. Throne

Kern Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: May 23, 2008

Deputy Jose "Tony" Diaz

Yolo Co. Sheriff's Dept. 

EOW: June 15, 2008

Deputy Juan A. Escalante

Los Angeles Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: August 2, 2008

Sergeant Paul A. Starzyk

Martinez Police Dept.

EOW: September 6, 2008

Officer Bradley A. Moody

Richmond Police Dept.

EOW: October 5, 2008

Deputy Randy J. Hamson

Los Angeles County Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: October 24, 2008

Deputy Lawrence W. Canfield

Sacramento Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: November 12, 2008

Officer Joseph P. Sanders

CHP ~ Santa Fe Springs

EOW: December 15, 2008

Honored Officers Enrolled From Prior Years

Officer George C. Chapman

Sacramento Police Dept.

EOW: April 27, 1858

Officer Leonard Harris

Union Pacific Police Dept.

EOW: May 16, 1894

Constable Preston V. Swanguen

Riverside Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: December 24, 1907

Constable Walter Reed

Inyo Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: April 14, 1912

Deputy Marshall Perman C. Calderwood

Los Angeles City Municipal Court

EOW: December 22, 1930

Deputy David Stout Larimer

Los Angeles Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: December 24, 1941

Officer George R. Kebort

Union Pacific Police Dept.

EOW: July 8, 1949

Deputy William J. Litz

San Bernardino Co. Sheriff's Dept.

EOW: May 23, 1959

Officer Brice L. Woody

Union Pacific Police Dept.

EOW: July 23, 1965

Lancaster Station Deputies Honoring Pierre

Jon White, who was one of Pierre's partners had these pictures taken for me. The station dressed out in their long sleaves, ties and black bands across their badges in honor of Pierre. They do it now for all the fallen officers at the station. It goes to show that these officers never forget and they want the public to remember too the sacrifice they make and the families make. Every time I see a cop on the road I always say a prayer that they are protected and are able to go home to their families every night. My heart goes out to the four officers who died in Oakland this last week. It makes me so sick to hear about it and to know what the families are going thru. If you are pulled over for a ticket, please thank the officer for doing their job. They are not being dicks, truly. Their job is to protect the public and they want to go home to their families too.

These are Deputies Justin Fisk, Jon White & Rick Wells. Mike Berk is on vacation.

Included here are Sgt. Eric Roelofson & Dep. Steve Harbison standing under Dep. Bain Ln. & Dep. Sorensen Dr. 

This is the sticker we all have on our vehicles ~ this one is on their DUI trailer.

This wreath was made by Sandy Berk & Teri White. It's displayed in the hallway at the station.

I love you all! It is because of all of you and a whole bunch of other family, friends & individuals (I never met) that I didn't stay under the covers for a year. The depth of caring has been astounding. I will never forget all you did for me.

Oxoxoxoxox ~ Diana

Happy Birthday Pierre

I knew when you were born the same day as Elton John you were the coolest!!

Oxoxoxoxoxo ~ D

My Darling Pierre ~ You Light Up My Life ~ Still

It's been 3 years since you left. The worst day of my life. I was standing in nearly this spot when the sheriff's car & helicopter came to pick me up and I knew you were gone. In a second everything was seriously re-arranged ~ minus you. No "command z". No re-do.

My life has been an amazing journey and one of incredible growth. I have been blessed with having you in my life for 6 1/2 years and still you are there. It's having your daughters and granddaughter, your parents and friends in my life who I love so much. It's this green bug on your helmet that still makes me laugh years later, among a 1000 other things. God I miss you.

You sent me a great man to share my life with who loves me as much as you loved me. I am fortunate to have listened. You would want me to be happy. We talked about it. You're probably laughing at me now as I take care of T, like I learned from you. A gift I'm trying to perfect and am enjoying so much.

How lucky I have been to know you Pierre. And, how lucky everyone else who met you and loved you. You rock with God. You rock with us ~still.

I love you,

Diana

Pierre's Duty Bike

This is the kind of stuff I miss about Pierre. He probably left this little sheriff on the seat to watch over his bike at the station. This pic was in one of those piles I went thru last week. Makes me laugh.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin ( 1881-1955)

'Til We Meet Again

Happy Anniversary Pierre ~ I love you

Diana

This Life We Live

Alicia and I went to the funeral of Deputy Larry Canfield today. It's not the first officer funeral I've been to since Pierre died, but the first one for a Northern California officer. The similarities in his life and death to Pierre's were very uncanny. The accident was almost identical, including the fact that the individual who hit him was also an elderly man who never saw him. Deputy Canfield was on the force a similar time and a motor one year longer than Pierre. He loved being on a bike and I believe his wife would have never told him he couldn't do a job he loved, even if she knew she might lose him. 

The turn-out of officers and civilians was incredible with the church filled to capacity. Alicia and I were in an over-flow chapel and had we been later, we would have not been able to sit down. The sight of hundreds and hundreds of officers from so many different departments is gut-wrenching and amazing at the same time. It's a sight that I feel is so deserving of a fallen officer.

Sometimes I feel like I need to go to remember what it was like for me. I wonder how his widow Michelle is holding it together and if she's had to temporarily rely on drugs this first couple of weeks just so she could manage. How did the department contact her? Who were the first people she called. Did she even cry right away or was it an hour after she sat with his body realizing he truly was gone. Did she constantly question why this happened and not be able to have anyone answer her?

I remember calling my friend Dina and telling her Pierre was gone. She didn't believe me. I just said "Yup. Dead as a door knob". Dead as a door knob? What does that mean? I wasn't crying yet.

I remember seeing his body with his arm in a cast. I asked a doctor why they had done that because he was already dead. I couldn't touch him because he wasn't there anymore, but I also remember I wasn't fond of seeing his hair shaved so close, which I had actually done for him the week before. He was all about saving money. He told me it would be grown out enough for the Collie Nationals in Boise the following week. He never got there with me. The trip I needed to make and hoped I'd die on so I could be out of my excruciating life.

I remember I kept saying to myself and anyone who was by me "I don't get it. I don't get it." We had a perfect life in an imperfect way. He was the love of my life and I believe I was his also. How could he leave now when we were just getting on with our plans and living this crazy and fun life. He was wacky, adorable, affectionate, funny, sexy. In my mind, he walked on water. I guess more than I thought. I know he'll be the first one I see when I pass over. I want to smack him and hug and kiss him all in the same breath. I miss him so much sometimes I could scream.

Michelle and her two boys will be taken care of well. She is fortunate to lose her husband in the line of duty. He will never be forgotten and there will be monuments with his name engraved on so his family for generations will remember. She will have a family in the Sheriff's Department who will treat her with the utmost of care for the rest of her life. Canfield was an officer who gave his life doing what he truly loved and that is a gift for all of us. God Bless you Deputy Canfield. Go find Pierre. He's the one with the out-of-code mustache and Del Taco Scorcho Sauce on his uniform. He'll show you the motorcycle course in Heaven! How cool is that?

My Darling Pierre

Our Wedding Day ~ One of my favorite photos of him
November 23, 2002

Pierre & Chance at the Lancaster Christmas Parade
December 6, 2003

I met Pierre's daughters Chantal (and new baby Stephanie), Kristina, Alicia, Pierre's two partners Mike & Jon, their families, my brother Brian & girlfriend Kathy and my good friend Jody & daughter Kaila for breakfast in Lone Pine. We wanted to get together for a little ceremony in honor of my darling husband Pierre. The weather on the Eastern side of the Sierras was perfect. The sage was thick again in the air and there is something about being in that Owen's Valley that is ingrained in my soul. My family spent many vacations in that area and up in the High Sierras. When I met Pierre I found out that he and his family had done the same thing, but more in the Owen's Valley for fishing and hunting. We joked often that we probably passed each other in some sporting goods store when we were kids. We always said we wished we would have met 20 years before.

We went to a spot that Pierre and I spent our 3rd anniversary. It was just after Thanksgiving and we set up a big tent for us and 7 dogs. It was 17 degrees at night, very windy one day, another, his parents came up with steaks for dinner. We went fishing the 3rd day. We had so much fun, even though I was freezing. I had made Thanksgiving dinner prior to our trip, so we had that to eat several times. I loved camping with him. He just felt like home. Our life was magical, no matter what we were doing. It really didn't matter, just as long as we were together.

We spoke about Pierre and how he changed our lives. I think those things that people shared were so beautiful and I know I am a better person because of losing him. I'd like to think I'm more of a giver, because I don't think I was prior to my having Pierre in my life. He would have done anything for me, and it wasn't about the material things that I cared about. When my brother spoke, he said he knew I was going to be taken care of by Pierre and that made him happy. He saw me change in a good way. Brian loved the competition with Pierre, hiking in the Sierras. They made a bridge for us to get across a river on one trip, then later, a wet boot holder over the campfire that campers were asking where they could purchase one. They were funny and alike. Maybe why I felt so comfortable with Pierre. He was my family before I met him.

Mike said he was a better person, that things that used to bother him don't anymore, that he is less uptight. I think Mike probably gets food on his uniform more than he did, and he laughs now. Kathy spoke and I cried. Jody spoke and I cried. Jody said she knew Pierre, but she really knew me more, because we spent many a night working together and she knew how I felt about him. I thought he walked on water, even in his bad moments. She knew alot about us and it meant so much to hear her speak.

Jon, holding beautiful Stephanie, said that Pierre was a great deputy and loved his job, but he loved nothing more than the four of us, his daughters and me. I so appreciated hearing these things. Thank you to everyone. I love you all so much.

L to R: Brian, Mike, Chantal & Steph, Diana, Kristina, Kathy, Jody & Kaila, Amanda, Teri, Makayla,
Back Row, Sandy, Alicia, Shaun

Jon and Stephanie ~ she is an amazing baby ~ he is an amazing guy!

Alicia ~ Typically gorgeous!

Chantal & Steph ~ I love this photo

Deputy Pierre W. Bain
E.O.W. 3-23-06

I was then off with Chantal, Steph and Alicia for a 7 hour drive home. Stephanie was the model baby until we started down from Lake Tahoe. She had had enough of the car seat. Poor baby.

'Til we meet again ~ My Darling Pierre ~ I love you, Diana